Been Standing on the Corner of 5th and Vermouth

I went down to the local watering hole in the wee hours to get quarters for laundry.
I saw police lights outside while waiting at the bar, so when I walked out I looked around and saw a cop pulling over either:

A) Chrysler's last-ditch effort at the electric car

or

B) a golf cart with weather flaps

Upon closer inspection it turned out to be B. Three young men were crammed inside. From the way they were pulled over it was clear they'd been "driving" on Harrison St. As I walked by, the cop and the guy in the driver's seat were going around and around:

cop: I can tell you've been drinking. Don't lie to me now.

"driver": Naw, man, c'mon, I'm telling you, I ain't been drinkin, man...listen, I had A drink, but I'm good man, I'm tellin' you, I'm good, listen!

cop: Look, I know you've been drinking.

et cetera

His two buddies in the back seat were looking around like, "Oh. Shit. This was a really bad idea."



So, you decided to go joy-riding on city streets in a golf cart with weather flaps at 1 am. And you probably stole the golf cart.
Fine. Everyone's been there at some point. Sucks you got caught.

But now you claim you were not drunk when you hatched this plan?
Good day, sir. Good day.

How Not to Sell Wine

Girl at the Whole Foods wine desk last night:
"This is really good--it got, like, 90 points!"

Oh! Wow! 90 points! I like how you didn't even tell me who gave it 90 points.
Cuz that's what I was worried about--the number. I dragged my ass out here to Glen Allen so I could buy pricey organic sulfite-free wine based on what some magazine thinks of it. Y'know, cuz wine is purely a status symbol, not something I'd drink to enjoy. I'm sniffing, sipping, and scrutinizing the tastes you're pouring out of that $20,000 machine--but it's all for show. Thank you for finally telling me the damn number so I can get out of here. I hate wine.

Buying wine based on a number is like dating a girl with a big chest based on her bra size. It's a number just for show. The wine thing is actually worse--it's subjective.

How to be an Academic in Five Easy Steps

1. At every opportunity, impress upon others the importance and relevance of your field of study. All other fields are inferior.

2. Remember that your field is connected to everything. It is a lens through which everything is to be viewed. Continuously look for ways in which you can connect your field to disparate events and ideas. (The conflict in Georgia? Caused by poor financial planning. Or a grave ethical problem. Whatever you're studying.)

3. Emphasize that your field is infinitely complex and far beyond the grasp of the average person. Practice saying this in the most condescending way possible: "I'd love to explain XYZ Theory, but the differential equations are a little over your head...I better not get into it."

4. Obviously, a PhD is necessary to even begin to understand. After all, if any schmuck could learn this stuff in a few minutes, then your PhD would be useless.

5. "It depends..." is the best answer to every question. The good academics stopped really answering questions many years ago.